because dwelling on it always solves it

why does it seem like i always feel most miserable when i'm making the best changes? whenever i find the initiative to move my life in a more positive direction, i spend days wanting to cry and do nothing.

i really think i have a wire crossed, somewhere.

the argument

our apologies like sugar
in cold tea,
ever settling back out
to leave us
bitter.

singular/plural

"you" is a useless pronoun, these days. i could be speaking to anyone.

but i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, and why can't you ever be here?

help?

why hello, self

i forgot i had this.
i remembered because i was doing a google search on "apheliotrope," just to see what came up.
"who has that as their name on-- oh. that's me."

perhaps now that i've remembered it, i'll start posting again. though you can hardly be excited at this prospect, i suppose, given that i started this completely alone, without friends reading it. though of course, some people have almost certainly read it anyway. not terribly entertaining, i'd imagine.

anyway: cheers. i'll have something to say, one day.

one-way mirror

it is a very lonely feeling, sometimes, seeing old friends.

one of my closest second-grade friends came into the restaurant when i was working, the other night. i knew it was her instantly. she looks the same, only grown up...same hair, same voice, same facial expressions. less open and happy, though. she was in there with who i assume was her boyfriend, and it just seemed so startling.

all this time, you've been growing up! all this time, you've been turning into this composed, unsmiling adult.

and when she looked at me, i knew she didn't know me.

something about that, in particular, made me feel very alone. i felt as if we were worlds apart...as if she could sit in this restaurant with crossed legs and a skirt, and tell me with utter cool that she didn't need anything else, and i were nothing.
not even worth recognition.